The Role of Husbands

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD" (Proverbs 18:22). "When you get married, you leave your parents' home and enter a whole new phase of life. Your love for your wife is different from your love for your momma, and your wife's love for her daddy is different from her love for you. Your love for your wife should model how Christ loved the Church. Jesus is your role model for extravagant, joyful love. You are the only church that most people see."²⁵⁵

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God ... Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:21, 25-32)

The qualifications for a husband can be described in three words: shepherd, bishop, and deacon. Husbands, as shepherds you are the head of your household—"the principal of the flock" (Jeremiah 25:35), the state of your family (flock) rests on your shoulders. Your leadership, or lack thereof, determines the state and destination of your flock. As you are with the Lord, so too is your family: "For if the firstfruit be holy, the lump is also holy: and if the root be holy, so are the branches" (Romans 11:16). Therefore, if your wife is not yet the virtuous woman that God has called her to be (holy and without blemish), examine yourself first. "Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves" (2 Corinthians 13:5). Are you ready to declare: "Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart" (Psalm 26:2)? Are you loving her as Christ loved the church? Are you nourishing and cherishing her? Are you being a good shepherd to her; that is, are you sanctifying and cleansing her by the Word of God? Are you feeding her "with knowledge and understanding" (Jeremiah 3:15)? Or, are you blaming her like Adam blamed Eve (Genesis 3:12), and what's more, in your prayers, demanding that the Lord fix her? Remember, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" (John 8:7). If you are not operating in your role as Shepherd, your sheep (family) will suffer: without a head, a body eventually dies. "Smite the shepherd, and the sheep shall be scattered" (Zechariah 13:7). Wellington Boone puts it this way:

Strong love. That's what we husbands need these days. The Bible says, ["Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).] Now, that is some kind of strong love! Do you know how much endurance it took to hang on that cross until He could say, "It is finished" [John 19:30]? If you've ever done endurance training for running or any other kind of sport, you know how much your muscles scream for relief, but you keep pushing them a little longer, a little harder, past the point of pain.

It's the same way in marriage. When you think you've endured all you can endure, you press on. You embrace the pain. You run the race to win. You stay on your own, personal cross in front of the witnesses in heaven until you're finished and God says, "Well done!"

Why did Jesus stay on the cross? Because He knew it would transform our relationship with His Father. If you stay on your cross, it will transform your wife's relationship with God and with you, and in the process, you'll also come closer to God. You'll be able to die to your old way of doing things and be resurrected to a new way of life in Christ-likeness. Jesus did it for you—for the joy set before Him. You can die to your old ways for the sake of your wife, if you become like Him.²⁵⁶

"Stay on your cross" and stay resolved to follow Jesus and to endure the light affliction that may be in your marriage; "Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin" (Hebrews 12:4). Husbands, your position as head comes with authority and power over your wives and family. Let us highlight one of the powers to protect: the authority of a husband, or other head, to remit a woman's sins—release her from the short-term consequence of sin. Think of it this way, sin is like cancer; once a person is infected it will grow until treated and eradicated. Remittance of a woman's sin by her head stops the spread of the cancer (treatment); however, God must still forgive the sin (eradicate the cancer). That is, the woman is still responsible for repenting—confessing and forsaking her sin(s), thereby giving glory to God and not to man.

1. Power to Provide: "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over" (Psalm 23:5). "But thou shalt remember the LORD thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to get wealth [abundant supply], that he may establish his covenant which he sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day" (Deuteronomy 8:18). "And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work" (2 Corinthians 9:8). "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel" (1 Timothy 5:8).
2. Power to Lead: "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake" (Psalm 23:2-3). "Have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife, as well as other apostles, and as the brethren of the Lord, and Cephas" (1 Corinthians 9:5)? "Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds" (Proverbs 27:23).
3. Power to Protect (deliver from evil): "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me" (Psalm 23:5). "Every vow, and every binding oath to afflict the soul, her husband may establish it, or her husband may make it void" (Numbers 30:13). "Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained" (John 20:23). What's more, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).

Husbands, as bishops (overseers) of your flock, you "must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous" (1 Timothy 3:2-3). Husbands as Christian leaders like Jesus, act first: they lead or prepare the way (see "Spiritual Leadership 101"). Let us examine the requirements of a bishop to better understand the godly characteristics of a husband:

In addition, husbands are "One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; ... Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil" (1 Timothy 3:4, 6). Husbands, your manner of life should be above reproach, such that those around you in the community, even non-Christians, respect you: "Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil" (1 Timothy 3:7).

Husbands, as deacons, serve their flock and as such, they must "be grave, not doubletongued" (1 Timothy 3:8)—honorable and full of integrity. As Jesus stated, "The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? is not he that sitteth at meat? but I am among you as he that serveth" (Luke 22:25-27). "And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved" (2 Corinthians 12:15).

Every man of God—as the earthly representative of Jesus for his house—should be both priest and prophet in his home. He should pray in secret as a priest, and He should speak as a prophet what he hears from God in secret prayer ... As priest, you pull away daily to be with the Lord alone. You pray that your wife and children will come into God's presence more and more, and you keep praying that they will stay in His presence. You carry to God the needs of your house, because God is inviting you to bring your needs to Him ... As a prophet, you carry back to your wife and children the fruit of what God has imparted to you concerning the needs of your house.²⁵⁷

Notwithstanding, husbands must perform their roles with charity—the love of God (1 Corinthians 13:1-3). "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). Let us examine the meaning of love. Notice that the focus for Godly love is outward not inward. That is, the husband's needs are not at the forefront nor are the husband's needs a bargaining chip (you do for me and I'll do for you). "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). The love of God is other-centered not self-centered. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Laying down your life for your wife means putting her needs above yours (deny yourself), as long as her needs do not infringe on God's will. Said another way, to love your wife is to endeavor to give her what is best for her according to God's will. "We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let every one of us please his neighbour for his good to edification" (Romans 15:1-2). Laying down your life for your wife does not mean abdicating your authority to her.

Many husbands erroneously practice appeasement rather than diplomacy: they call their wives their boss or reply, "Yes dear" to her demands, requests, wants and desires. This practice counteracts God's order and places the wife in a role that God did not design her to fill: she was created as an help suitable to the man. Christian men have no right to abdicate their role as head to their wives, for this is sin. Imagine the President (husband) of a company taking orders from the Vice President of Operations (wife) instead of from the Chief Executive Officer (Jesus); this is a recipe for chaos. To embrace abdication is to embrace "The Principality of Idolatry" and the spirit of Ahab. The sin of abdication is backed by an evil spirit named after king Ahab who abdicated his authority as king to his wife Jezebel. The objective of this spirit is to cause mankind to abdicate their God given authority to others: to evade responsibility by relinquishing control. Abdication is often done in an attempt to placate or please others over pleasing God. The authority and power given to husbands as head of their wives is not based on income, leadership ability, or on any other worldly characteristic. Husbands, not their wives, are authorized by God to lead their families. As such, husbands must resist the temptation to react to their wives' lest they be snared by the devil. Husbands must guard against abdicating their authority to their wives by giving her a place of authority in contradiction to the Word of God. "For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body" (Ephesians 5:23). Both king Ahab (1 Kings 21:25-26) and Adam were guilty of abdication:

And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. (Genesis 3:17-19)

Remember, "Adam was not deceived" (1 Timothy 2:14), he was fully aware that "the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field" (Genesis 3:1), that his wife misquoted the Word he had given her from the Lord (Genesis 3:3), and that they were already "as gods" (Genesis 5:5) with respect to having "dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth" (Genesis 1:28). Yet with all that knowledge and clarity of thought he did not perform one of the key functions of a husband, which is to be a watchman. "So thou, O son of man, I have set thee a watchman unto the house of Israel; therefore thou shalt hear the word at my mouth, and warn them from me" (Ezekiel 33:7). Husbands are to safeguard their wives through prayer and the Word: "speak forth the words of truth and soberness" (Acts 26:25). Since "the woman being deceived was in the transgression" (1 Timothy 2:14), husbands are to "Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine" (2 Timothy 4:2).

The root of this practice of appeasement stems from three things: fear (fear of confrontation/fear of failure), idolatry, and bitterness. Many men abhor having to confront their wives; they would sooner face a charging bull. "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman" (Proverbs 21:19); and, "A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike" (Proverbs 27:15). This fear is rooted in idolatry (serving her over serving the Lord: see 1 Corinthians 7:33) not love: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18). Christian men should take all of their wives' demands, requests, wants and desires to the Lord. "Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved" (Psalm 55:22). For example, Abraham communed with the Lord when faced with a grievous request from his wife to cast out his son Ishmael along with Ishmael's mother:

And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking. Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac. And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son. And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called. And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed. (Genesis 21:9-13)

What's more, a husband who has not "Set [his] affection on things above" (Colossians 3:2) and whose prayer life is wanting (Matthew 26:41; Mark 14:38), can easily be tempted by the devil to become bitter—judge, hate, and unmerciful—against his wife. "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:19). A husband loses the battle with Satan, if the husband allows judgment and hatred to invalidate his ability to show mercy—forgive—to his wife. Remember, women as weaker vessels are more easily deceived than men (1 Timothy 2:13-14). Therefore, "ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge [of God's will], giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). Understand that a man's need for respect does not outweigh a woman's need for love and security. "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

Husbands, remember, you are, in a sense, "wives" as part of the body of Christ; as such, you are to submit yourselves to Christ and be subject to him in all things. "Would to God ye could bear with me a little in my folly: and indeed bear with me. For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ" (2 Corinthians 11:1-2). Reverence God and his Word, as you want your wife to reverence you—give respect and you will get respect. "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap" (Galatians 6:7). If the husband (the head) sins or the wife, who is one flesh with the head, sins, the whole family pays the consequences:

So they gat up from the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, on every side: and Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children. They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. (Numbers 16:27, 33)

God has equipped your wife to help you to serve him; therefore, do not despise the gift of God in her. Your wife, then, should be your friend, not your hired servant or worse your bondservant (slave). "I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, to give you the land of Canaan, and to be your God. And if thy brother that dwelleth by thee be waxen poor, and be sold unto thee; thou shalt not compel him to serve as a bondservant: But as an hired servant, and as a sojourner, he shall be with thee, and shall serve thee unto the year of jubilee" (Leviticus 25:38-40). "Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you" (John 15:15). The love of God comes with liberty: "Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty" (2 Corinthians 3:17). It comes with instructions: "Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning" (Proverbs 9:9). With choices: "I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19). "What man is he that feareth the LORD? him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose" (Psalm 25:12). Finally, the love of God comes with correction, "for whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth" (Hebrews 12:6).

As God did with Adam in the garden in Eden, husbands give your wives boundaries within which she can freely make decisions ("guide the house"). Do not stifle them with rules upon rules upon rules (the law). The obvious outer boundary is the Word of God and the inner "gates" (the tree of knowledge of good and evil) should be kept to a minimum. Husbands, communication is vital in any relationship. Women, on average, talk more in a day than men; and, may also desire to discuss, in detail, topics that may not interest you. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). Learning to communicate with your wife is good training for learning to communicate with the Lord. "Keep thy foot when thou goest to the house of God, and be more ready to hear, than to give the sacrifice of fools: for they consider not that they do evil. Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few" (Ecclesiastes 5:1-2). "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). Do not let your communication with the Lord be impacted—prayers hindered—by not being a loving husband. In addition, do not use sex as the remedy for all ailments nor as a desire that cannot be quenched. "Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth" (Proverbs 5:18).

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

In closing, husbands remember "the end of all things is at hand: be ye therefore sober, and watch unto prayer. And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:7-8).

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